I do not know how to play an instrument. I played the recorder in 3rd grade but that does not say much. I had a guitar for a minute. I sold it to a pawn shop. It was a friend of mines and he wrote a song about me on that wooden string instrument. It was about a girl and her red pea coat and how she always was running around with her redcoat. Funny I misplaced that jacket in New York in Manhattan four New Years ago. I rode a mechanical bull that night and kissed someone I shouldn't have.  Anyways I really always wanted to be a musician or a singer. I even was in chorus for a few years till I fainted. My chorus teacher yelled at me when I fell to the floor because she thought I was faking since I fainted so "gracefully". I quit shortly after and never went on stage again. Only time I have entered a stage was to dance at a club or get my diploma for my college graduation. But there is something about being on stage that I find ever so exhilarating. First time I attempted to sing for the hell of it was in a wooden log cabin in Maine. It was the same winter I went to New York for New Years. I remember being isolated and comforted with my friend Cory and Bobby Jackson with a Great Dane/Saint Benard pup. The first time i sang along with the drums and guitars without a worry or care if I sounded wrong. It may have been the kona or cratum tea or even the ongoing whiskey. But recently I have discovered that same feeling of being okay to be in my own skin.

I think I am okay with someone drawing me nude without being inebriated

Heat my body and chill my mind.

Theres frozen bodies near behind.

she placed a snowman in a sauna to see if he would melt.

he laughed at her attempt to thaw his frozen heart.

he took her hand and and froze her memory.

he asked her to keep his possessions safe so she decided a freezer is where she stow the coal.

Noone knew where it was and she did not even know the way to unlock the door after she agreed to be a snow angel in the summer nights.

she rather be warm but she knew she could adjust to the atmosphere. she wondered why he did not want to sweat out the stress in the sauna and was contemplating how she could get to that steamy sensation he showed her before. but as she walked in the blizzard she noticed he was not the friend that would play in the songs she sang.

there was no top coat and no fancy hat to be seen. he lacked the class and hide it well under a bed of green.

though she was intoxicated with her accent she discovered the snowman does melt away. she was lucky someone saw her frostbitten nose before he stole all the warmth of her days.

listening to grey or blue at four in the morning after hearing it for the first time in the middle of the day in a room full of people in a computer room in college. I remember I had headphones on and water filled eyes with a frog in my throat.  "I notice shes your lover but shes nowhere near your heart" were the lyrics that felt so similar to the scenerio as well as how the girl singing said she is with another boy hes fast asleep and wide awake sounds how it is now.

Yet I am ever so grateful he never fought for me. The best gift he did was show me how he could not give me what I wanted.

what I wanted was something different but the same thing that I get lately all the time. He always wanted me to stay home and watch movies and be a girl to do things for him. I do nice shit all the time and noone asks me to I just want to. Weird I used to want to prove I could be a sweetheart. I was I just was not his sweetheart. I think I am actually falling in love. I want it to last yet nothing last forever I just want to embrace myself in the moment.

Now I will go back into bed and let this new boy hold me tight. I am glad I get to kiss him and I do not even need mistle toe to let that shit happen. Its as natural as the sun rising.

the drive from his house only last fifteen minutes but they felt very daunting. There was animosity in the air. But she sang on the top of her lungs ADELE, Someone Like You was on. Very ironic because it was her attempt to say I will find someone like you but better. As if she knew from the beginning he loved her not

"i can't watch you kill yourself anymore, i can't wait for you to realize your beautiful anymore. I love you but I have to let you go".

I cant live with out you spewed from the radio, damn Usher and comming on at such a coincidential time she thought to herself as well as trying hard to not let him see that she could not breathe or seriously fathom that she would go on without him. She was a lot stronger without him yet it has been so long.

Well, its been real but its been a enough. Those were her kind words.

all i want for christmas is a smile and some serenity santa

I met Santa this year.

He told me about his heart condition. I did not tell him much but I suppose he knew eveything about me aleady. He neve gave me goal even when I could have swore that is all I would recieve, even on the year my family tried to cancelled christmas.

I was suprised to see goats and chickens at the North Pole. I discovered Santa peferred the South and warm weather just as much as I did. He must have been keeping tabs on me because he even bought donkeys for this occasion. Dominque the Donkey was always my favorite Christmas song. I would kick my legs in the air as the hee haw part happened everytime. Who knew I was preparing myself for future yoga positions.

Well Santa seemed like he went through a lot. He must have seen a lot in his lifetime to have such a heart condition. He told me how his heart miraculously got bette without medicine or surgery. Just helping others and enjoying his cookies from time to time he slowly stopped worying about his life and became richer with the fruits of the world.

He actually gave me the eebie jeebies when he told me that my brown puppy eyes could make my father or anyone say yes to anything I wanted. I did not think my eyes were that persuasive although my eyes showed more of the intention of my wants and desires and fears more than my words.


When he asked me to take a picture with him he disclosed what list I was on. It was always on the good list because I was always trying to be good and that is a helluva better than just being good because then I actually do something than sit on my ass and watch the days go by till I get presents. He seemed to know I went through some crazy shit on my journey to the North Pole. I did not even plan to see him this year. I never planned to have a conversation with him let alone god or a higher power but I never planned anything so it does not suprise me that I stumble upon some spritual encounter yet again.

He told me God loved me and that I am here for a reason. Gosh that seems to be an ongoing statement. I was told my guardian Angel is a badass since I stand in cosnervative yet sassy attire sharing my substance abuse stories with fellow travelers at a detox center right before christmas. I sort of had a suspicious feeling that Santa was a lush just like me.

"you can't hide your lying eyes" is what I kept thinking when Santa spoke some truth into my soul. Even if I was acting happy you could notice the water filling inside. Well at some point I had a better fucking poker face but I took off the Lady Gaga attire as of late. But even an alien from another planet commented on my eyes. Shockingly he noticed more about me than I did myself. As I shared some discreet situations I put myself into the alien noticed how my face lit up like candle. Troublesome sort of light since I was explaining some darkness. I enjoyed the dark dances and do not know how to explain myself without being optimistically pessimistic. I did not know it was a bad thing or if it is a good thing. I do know that if I tell Santa or any of the elves my adventures with a frompy girl act then they won't be enticed to believe in my light to shine. Then again it scares me because I do not know if I will ever let go of the dark because that is how I felt the connection for an attention whore like me. I think the alien just started to see the lying eyes too and realizes how much I did to get some love and found it in all the wrong places.

Maybe it is a good thing I met Santa in the South. The North Pole is too cold for me nowadays. I need some warm smiles not a cold shoulder. I think I have met my match

vulnerable vocal chords echo from the second floor apartment

flash backs of virbrant yesterdays and vile visions haunt the happy child

theres no magic pill or sunshine she can swallow out of any bottle.

theres no suprise that the mirror reflects a stranger.

looking back she stares deeply into those dark black eyes.

they look mysterious and lost and so hurt. 

But then there is face that covers up the bruises.

For a moment she screams in hopes to silences the shakes 

It has almost been a year. Why does everything still feel so fucking near.

...there was always this strange sensation or lack there of.

but feeling more alive is scarier than feeling dead.

To live is much more unknown. 

Intoxicate me with intimacy 

Intrigue me with truth

blow my mind with beauty.

show me what it is like to feel okay to hold your hand.

 

rewind to the walking down the road.

fast forward to a place where it all makes sense.

freeze in the sun and dance alone.  messy hair tangled in a bun.

natural skin. naked nothings. momentary blissful numbing

the bruises are hidden. the smiles sporadic sprinkle the scenery.

yet the show underneath the miniskirt is more exciting than the dance she portrays .

this is an elispis....

This is nowehere the end of the story. I have yet to fathom how to start the first page of the novel to say the least.

There is a ticket to a destination I am somewhat familiar with and sometimes miss desperately. But what is it do I mis? The constant uncomfortable feeling of not being at home when I am sitting in my driveway. Do I miss people who I only recognize because I have grown up with them? Or do I really need something from this desolate prison that contained me for ever long.

I think I am just a dramatic little girl who wanted to run away from the normal to figure out her own routine instead of people coordinating it for her.

I think it is good to get a new perspective and sometimes we do need things to make us stronger even if it hurts like hell.


 Try and remember to write more just to spit out the nonsense that is fluttering around that foolish head of yours.

i do not even like you

nothing what i possess is mine, besides me mid(degree) and my body.

yet everyone wants control over it.

Bile.Breathless.Bare and naked. Braids Branded in her hair. Where is your wallet. Where went your dignity. 

you aren't as dumb as you look..
t
..your not as smart as you seem...


why is being utterly undying endearing expressed s being a non empathetic soul who is only looking out for the last period mark.

I would rather have my quotations and apostrophes then swallow up easy sentences. surrendering to serene simplicity will not suffice my seductive shadow singing tonight

the garden is anywhere you can water a root

unfamiliar destinations and sanctuaries.  spraying sirens solemnly in the Saturday sun.

Lost yet not stolen. Running but not sprinting in the ever glow of the stolen sunsets.

Seduction surrenders the smiles that are shining in the shade.

The sun stares solely in the steady serenade of this siren.

The piercing pondering pucker lips are passive to allow the phoenix to fly.

the wait wonders in the walk.

it is easy to believe because you have to have a lie in between it all.

unfamiliar destinations and sanctuaries.  spraying sirens solemnly in the Saturday sun.

Lost yet not stolen. Running but not sprinting in the ever glow of the stolen sunsets.

Seduction surrenders the smiles that are shining in the shade.

The sun stares solely in the steady serenade of this siren.

The piercing pondering pucker lips are passive to allow the phoenix to fly.

the wait wonders in the walk.


it is easy to believe because you have to have a lie in between it all.

unfamiliar territory feeling vulnerably vile and voluptuously violated.

veronica was a very good name to use 

And this bird you cannot change..

Free Bird.

She was a bird with broken wings. She broke a lot of promises. She broke a lot of rules. But most of all her heart was broken. No it was shattered into a thousand intricate pieces and it was scattered in Philadelphia, Charlotte, New York, and of course New Jersey.

She now is settling down and migrated South yet again but for some reason this time is completely different. She no longer is masking her face with fake tan and eye liner, it always smeared anyway. She is not kissing strangers in hope they will tell her that she is beautiful and she will magically believe it. She knows that her beauty is engraved inside her soul. The rhythm of this new life has a different melody. All the songs she hears and all the people she encounters have a different glow than she noticed before.

Sure she has some pain and treacherous bruises from her past but that does not nor will it define her future. She must live in the present. What is difficult for this bird to understand the concept is letting go of her past. Her story is not who she is, it is what gives her the strength to carry on.

Sure she will write anonymously. She likes her name yet her alias names are much more seductive. She always wants to fly and be free but the only way to reach the sky is if she takes a moment, reflects and lets out a sigh and stays in one place.

Sometimes trusting is kind of a crapshoot someone told her. But she would rather live in truth and ignore the lies that molded the image of who she thought she should be

She is deciding to stop defying nature. She is here in this world to share love and light. She is more than just a good time. She is a gift, just like everyday is a new present to open and be delighted to unwrap the paper.