Tuesday, December 24, 2013

all i want for christmas is a smile and some serenity santa

I met Santa this year.

He told me about his heart condition. I did not tell him much but I suppose he knew eveything about me aleady. He neve gave me goal even when I could have swore that is all I would recieve, even on the year my family tried to cancelled christmas.

I was suprised to see goats and chickens at the North Pole. I discovered Santa peferred the South and warm weather just as much as I did. He must have been keeping tabs on me because he even bought donkeys for this occasion. Dominque the Donkey was always my favorite Christmas song. I would kick my legs in the air as the hee haw part happened everytime. Who knew I was preparing myself for future yoga positions.

Well Santa seemed like he went through a lot. He must have seen a lot in his lifetime to have such a heart condition. He told me how his heart miraculously got bette without medicine or surgery. Just helping others and enjoying his cookies from time to time he slowly stopped worying about his life and became richer with the fruits of the world.

He actually gave me the eebie jeebies when he told me that my brown puppy eyes could make my father or anyone say yes to anything I wanted. I did not think my eyes were that persuasive although my eyes showed more of the intention of my wants and desires and fears more than my words.


When he asked me to take a picture with him he disclosed what list I was on. It was always on the good list because I was always trying to be good and that is a helluva better than just being good because then I actually do something than sit on my ass and watch the days go by till I get presents. He seemed to know I went through some crazy shit on my journey to the North Pole. I did not even plan to see him this year. I never planned to have a conversation with him let alone god or a higher power but I never planned anything so it does not suprise me that I stumble upon some spritual encounter yet again.

He told me God loved me and that I am here for a reason. Gosh that seems to be an ongoing statement. I was told my guardian Angel is a badass since I stand in cosnervative yet sassy attire sharing my substance abuse stories with fellow travelers at a detox center right before christmas. I sort of had a suspicious feeling that Santa was a lush just like me.

"you can't hide your lying eyes" is what I kept thinking when Santa spoke some truth into my soul. Even if I was acting happy you could notice the water filling inside. Well at some point I had a better fucking poker face but I took off the Lady Gaga attire as of late. But even an alien from another planet commented on my eyes. Shockingly he noticed more about me than I did myself. As I shared some discreet situations I put myself into the alien noticed how my face lit up like candle. Troublesome sort of light since I was explaining some darkness. I enjoyed the dark dances and do not know how to explain myself without being optimistically pessimistic. I did not know it was a bad thing or if it is a good thing. I do know that if I tell Santa or any of the elves my adventures with a frompy girl act then they won't be enticed to believe in my light to shine. Then again it scares me because I do not know if I will ever let go of the dark because that is how I felt the connection for an attention whore like me. I think the alien just started to see the lying eyes too and realizes how much I did to get some love and found it in all the wrong places.

Maybe it is a good thing I met Santa in the South. The North Pole is too cold for me nowadays. I need some warm smiles not a cold shoulder. I think I have met my match

Friday, April 26, 2013

vulnerable vocal chords echo from the second floor apartment

flash backs of virbrant yesterdays and vile visions haunt the happy child

theres no magic pill or sunshine she can swallow out of any bottle.

theres no suprise that the mirror reflects a stranger.

looking back she stares deeply into those dark black eyes.

they look mysterious and lost and so hurt. 

But then there is face that covers up the bruises.

For a moment she screams in hopes to silences the shakes 

It has almost been a year. Why does everything still feel so fucking near.




...there was always this strange sensation or lack there of.

but feeling more alive is scarier than feeling dead.

To live is much more unknown. 

Intoxicate me with intimacy 

Intrigue me with truth

blow my mind with beauty.

show me what it is like to feel okay to hold your hand.

 

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

rewind to the walking down the road.

fast forward to a place where it all makes sense.

freeze in the sun and dance alone.  messy hair tangled in a bun.

natural skin. naked nothings. momentary blissful numbing

the bruises are hidden. the smiles sporadic sprinkle the scenery.

yet the show underneath the miniskirt is more exciting than the dance she portrays .


Friday, February 1, 2013

this is an elispis....

This is nowehere the end of the story. I have yet to fathom how to start the first page of the novel to say the least.

There is a ticket to a destination I am somewhat familiar with and sometimes miss desperately. But what is it do I mis? The constant uncomfortable feeling of not being at home when I am sitting in my driveway. Do I miss people who I only recognize because I have grown up with them? Or do I really need something from this desolate prison that contained me for ever long.

I think I am just a dramatic little girl who wanted to run away from the normal to figure out her own routine instead of people coordinating it for her.

I think it is good to get a new perspective and sometimes we do need things to make us stronger even if it hurts like hell.


 Try and remember to write more just to spit out the nonsense that is fluttering around that foolish head of yours.






i do not even like you

nothing what i possess is mine, besides me mid(degree) and my body.

yet everyone wants control over it.


Bile.Breathless.Bare and naked. Braids Branded in her hair. Where is your wallet. Where went your dignity. 
you aren't as dumb as you look..
t
..your not as smart as you seem...


why is being utterly undying endearing expressed s being a non empathetic soul who is only looking out for the last period mark.

I would rather have my quotations and apostrophes then swallow up easy sentences. surrendering to serene simplicity will not suffice my seductive shadow singing tonight